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Old 06-15-2004   #61
xorcist
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a guy is talking ot a friend and tell him:

you know.....i went into a restaurant and order

1 - a dish of soup
2- a dish of meat
3 - a dish of vegetables
4 - a dish of sweet......and i didn't pay a single dollar for all of this.....

so his friend ask.....and what did the restaurant chef did?

the guy answer......he did to me a DISH IN MY THROAT!

HAHAHAHA
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Old 06-15-2004   #62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xorcist
a guy is talking ot a friend and tell him:

you know.....i went into a restaurant and order

1 - a dish of soup
2- a dish of meat
3 - a dish of vegetables
4 - a dish of sweet......and i didn't pay a single dollar for all of this.....

so his friend ask.....and what did the restaurant chef did?

the guy answer......he did to me a DISH IN MY THROAT!

HAHAHAHA
i dont get it...........
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Old 06-15-2004   #63
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Old 06-15-2004   #64
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oi shut up u racist west ham till i die
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Old 06-16-2004   #65
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there's a joke in itself!
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Old 06-16-2004   #66
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Back from several years of using that crap called Nokia! W810i \m/

Last edited by woopee; 06-16-2004 at 10:05 PM.
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Old 06-17-2004   #67
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There once was a woman with triplets, one day, she was at the bank when a robber came and held up the store. consequently, she was shot 3 times in the stomach because she wouldn't stop screaming. She was rushed to hospital. The doctors said that the bullets did not harm the babies, so he'll leave tem in.

3 months later, the woamn gave birth to two beautiful girls and a boy.

18 years later, one of the girls go crying to her mother, saying "mummy, mummy, when i was pi*sing, a bullet fell out!"

The mother was not disturbed. She then told the other daughter the story when that happened to the second daughter.

A week later, the boy came crying to his mother. Mum goes, "I know, i know, when you are urinating, a bullet fell out."

But the boy said, "No, mother, when i was wa*king, I shot the dog!"
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Flashing through the distant memory,
Of us together at a friend's anniversary.
Holding the fading photograph,
Today it's different; I will laugh.
While crawling our of the sad haze,
I realized, we have to go our separate ways.



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Old 06-17-2004   #68
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Michael Jackson and a pilot and 2 children on a plane. The plane is going to crash here is a conversation between the pilot and Michael Jackson.

MJ: What are we going to do???
Pilot: Theres only two parachutes
MJ: But what about the kids
Pilot: Well screw em!
MJ: Im sure we've got time for that
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Old 06-17-2004   #69
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hmmm.... let me think of a good one...... ok

2 men went to bed together.
















What??? thats the joke!!!
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Old 06-17-2004   #70
Fiesta-Reef
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Try

Two men in a phonebox trying to ring each other
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Old 06-18-2004   #71
chimpie
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an english man, an irish man and a scottish man, a blonde and a bishop walk into a bar.
the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"
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Old 06-18-2004   #72
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This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards." The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.
The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"
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Old 06-18-2004   #73
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superb. nice one metroreef!
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Old 06-18-2004   #74
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metro.. that was some funny s**t
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Old 06-18-2004   #75
Fiesta-Reef
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I can't claim credit i'm afraid, it was emailled to me.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg officerumors.jpg (12.7 KB, 19 views)
File Type: jpg memorandum.jpg (15.2 KB, 21 views)
File Type: jpg coolmenu.jpg (11.6 KB, 20 views)
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Old 06-18-2004   #76
gautch
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Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, Ctrl+Y, .....
Funny as hell Metro!
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Old 06-18-2004   #77
chimpie
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? ****** Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that ar e sensitive, caring
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a
dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 8.
Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably
never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut
up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a man w ho has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
Drive by 90% It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said,
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in someparts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
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Old 06-18-2004   #78
themeanjman
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Not mine, but...


A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
__________________
Flashing through the distant memory,
Of us together at a friend's anniversary.
Holding the fading photograph,
Today it's different; I will laugh.
While crawling our of the sad haze,
I realized, we have to go our separate ways.



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Old 06-18-2004   #79
ajitk28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metroreef
This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards." The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.
The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"
i'm gonna e-mail this to all my friends. a classic joke!!!
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Old 06-18-2004   #80
The Don
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chimpie
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
They are classics.
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