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Old 02-13-2006   #121
sngd
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
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Old 02-15-2006   #122
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Old 02-16-2006   #123
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Lol
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Old 02-25-2006   #124
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Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy Birthday, dear."

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, "oh well, she just forgot." The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late. And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and said, "I'll get you some coffee." Her remembering made me feel a lot better. Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together. Thinking it would make me feel better I said that's a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday I said, "why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place." So we drove out of town and went to a little out of the way place. We had a couple of martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my secretary said, "why don't we go by my place and I will fix you another martini."

It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a martini. After a while she said, "Will you excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and left the room. In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but my socks.
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Old 02-27-2006   #125
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whow what a great joke, could be truth anyway
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Old 03-09-2006   #126
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paddy and mick were in an aeroplane, paddy says to mick if this aeroplane turns upside down will we fall out?? mick says no we will still be friends

paddy and mick are walking along, paddy says look at that forest, mick says i cant see it for the trees

paddy and mick are walking along the road, paddy falls down a hole, mick says are you alright? paddy says no i think ive broken my ancle, call me an ambulance, mick says paddys and ambulance paddys an ambulance
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Old 03-10-2006   #127
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Son To Is Dad..

Dad.. How Much Cost Get Married..??

Don't Know Son.. Don't Know.. Im Still Paying For It
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Old 03-10-2006   #128
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Final Exam

A university lecturer reminds her students of next day’s final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter ****** exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Old 03-10-2006   #129
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Three blondes passed every day through a street that led them from their room to their office. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "Red, blue, black."
One of the blondes noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to her friends, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, girls were astonished!! One of the blondes spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear. So, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
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Old 03-10-2006   #130
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Here are some interesting true facts u might wanna know....

• Twenty percent of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

• In the 18th century, another term for anal sex was "navigate the windward passage."

• The Ancient Greeks believed semen was stored in a man's cranium.

• Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

• "Endytophilia" is the desire to keep one's clothes on during sex.

• Both humans and fish share a common ****** practice - Fellatio, or Oral Sex.

• In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver ivory and glass.

• The ***** of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel and has the ability to scoop out a male rivals semen.

• Both humans and porpoises have one social sex practice in common - Group Sex.

• In Ancient Greece, women would expose their genitals to ward of storms at sea.
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Old 03-10-2006   #131
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Free Services

One sunny afternoon, A man was out in the woods hunting and came upon a nude girl tied to a tree. He asked her what had happened.
She explained how a couple of men had tied her up and had enjoyed her services without paying a ground fee.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" asked the man.
"I did," she replied "but there's nobody within a six mile radius so they couldn't hear me."
"Six miles?" man remarked. "Are you sure of that?"
"Yes, I'm certain," she replied.
"Well, then," said then man, "here we go again.
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Old 03-10-2006   #132
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Crazy Patient

An old man, Mr. Smith, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Nancy," said Mr. Smith, "My 'little friend' died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh I'm so sorry, Mr. Smith. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Smith was walking down the hall with his 'little friend' hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Nancy.
"Mr. Smith," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this, please put your 'friend' back inside your pajamas."
"But Nurse," replied Mr. Smith, "I told you yesterday that it died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked the Nurse.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
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Old 03-10-2006   #133
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Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.
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Old 03-10-2006   #134
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there was two lesbians who were in this haunted mansion. a magician jumps out the cupboard and shouts "hokus pokus" the two lesbians said "f**k the hokus just pokus
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Old 03-10-2006   #135
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An alcoholic tells his friend:
"I don't like to get drunk when my wife is there.I hate to see them two...
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Old 03-10-2006   #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteBird
An alcoholic tells his friend:
"I don't like to get drunk when my wife is there.I hate to see them two...
heh...lol
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